Judith Auslander, MA, MAIS, CLC, CHt

Empowering Women to Weave Their Dreams Into Reality!

Don’t Fart in Public!

Don’t fart in public!

Why?

Because it goes against our social norms. As social beings, we follow a list of prescribed social norms for the society we live in. I would love to find society where farting, picking my nose, and burping in public were all socially acceptable. However, because I live where I do, I work very hard at being normal.

When we fart or burb, we may blush with embarrassment.

What happens when we fail? Generally, we feel shame. Fart in public, and you probably feel shame (maybe run down the other aisle in the store leaving your offense behind you.) We immediately try to do something that will bring us back to appropriate behavior. We want to remain a part of our tribe.

But what happens when our shame or embarrassment is for something bigger? What about when we feel like a failure or looser? Lose a job – failure! Marriage or relationship falls apart – failure. Get a D (or heaven forbid an F) on a test – failure. Not be accepted into the college of our choice – failure. The list is endless.

So what happens to us emotionally when we feel we are a failure?

We may feel worthless. Often we call ourselves names like “stupid, dumb, ugly.” Horrible, mean words! Words we wouldn’t say to someone we love.

We might become withdrawn, looking inward for the answer to the why of it all. We try to figure out where we failed. Sometimes we can go so far inward that we become depressed.

What can we do instead? Yes, maybe we could have done something earlier that would have saved the job, the relationship or upped the grade on the test. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned. So, the first thing we could do is to ask ourselves what we learned from the situation? What could we have done differently? With shame and guilt, research has shown, we work to repair our actions and to not reoffend.

We could also apologize and see if amends could be made. It is not about being weak or strong – rather it is about admitting to ones errors and discovering how a hurt might be healed.

Most of all, it is to stop the name-calling. Our self-talk must be the same as we would talk to a cherished loved one. When we verbally berate ourselves with mean words of hate we are avoiding the work that needs to be done to rectify the shame. In other words, stop the blaming and instead, start the healing work.

Remember, no one is perfect!

“Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” ― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

Therefore, I am not perfect, I do fart in public – but quietly!

If you have found yourself struggling to deal with your shame, guilt, pain or anything that is stopping you from living life to the fullest, then please call me – let’s talk . Let’s discover if coaching or hypnosis could help to end the suffering and get you back to living your life.

 

 

Anger – Constructive or Destructive?

According to The Secret Language of Feelings – (TSLF) by Cal Banyan founder of 5-Path Hypnosis, anger is the feeling (or fear) that something is unfair.

You can almost see that little child inside you stomping his/her little foot (maybe with hands on hips – that was my style) and saying, “That’s not fair!”

However, at a very young age, most of us are told to stop showing our anger – it wasn’t civilized or grown up to show your anger. In fact, in many cases, it was taboo – a big no-no. And we very much wanted to be grown up, so we held our anger in like good little boys and girls. The problem is that we often are not taught how to constructively deal with our anger. And not dealing with our anger can be very destructive.

In my last blog I stated that ALL feelings are good – so then am I saying that anger is good?

You bet I am!

Anger in and of itself is good. It’s how we express (or don’t express) it that is not always good.

We can express our anger, as I did the other day when I was just getting more and more angry by little things and finally exploded at a cashier who was totally unhelpful and rather belligerent (or that is how I saw her), or we stuff it inside. And, much to the chagrin of my 13-year-old granddaughter I lost my cool and destructively expressed my anger. I walked out feeling better, but I am sure I left a bad aura for the rest of the store patrons. I also felt that there was no way I could walk into that store again.

How could I, an educated, over 60-year-old businesswoman lose her cool?

Easily! It happened when I held my anger in and held my anger in and held it in some more. It either eats you alive, or it bursts out at an inopportune moment like mine did.

Anger doesn’t just go away!

No, anger doesn’t just go away or disappear – it goes inside and finds a nice place to hide out until it can come out play havoc in your life.

Anger demands to be dealt with – positively or negatively – it will be dealt with.

The first step to deal with anger is to look at it and see if it is based in reality. Ask yourself these questions: Am I really angry? Am I really feeling that something is unfair? Am I really in fear? If not, then it is a good time to talk yourself down and discover what is really going on. It could be simply frustration.

According to TSLF go through the 3 following steps:

  1. Ask yourself if you are truly feeling anger or something else.
  2. If angry, look for the cause
  3. Ask yourself what would be a satisfying response.

So, in my case, using the TSLF model, I think I was frustrated and overly tired and needed to just sit down and meditate on my belly button for a while.

Does anger have a real purpose?

Absolutely yes!

Anger has a definite purpose, and it may even save your life.

Imagine if you never got angry how you might be exploited, taken advantage of, and never really be safe. Anger can even be your motivator for social change. Think of the civil rights movement. Anger can help the less fortunate be heard.

According to Psychology Today (January/February 2015), anger can be a great way to get what you want out of life. The point is to use your anger as a means to not be taken advantage of, and at the same time, not allow it to get out of control – Constructive vs. Destructive.

Anger can actually boost confidence, optimism and can be a signal to others of your inner strength. Sometimes anger can even make you more credible. It’s all in how you use this power.

Think about it, if you always stuff your anger and never say what you are feeling, how can problems be solved, changes made, relationships built.

Destructive-Distractive Behavior

In my hypnotherapy chair I hear more pain come out as suppressed anger. The little girl who was molested, the little boy who felt unworthy, the man who felt rejected by women, the woman whose promotion was given to another, the child who was made to stay with people she didn’t want to be with – and it goes on and on. In the hypno-chair, the anger is released. And also released are the abusive distractions they have used to stuff the pain. Distractions such as over-eating, gambling, drinking, smoking, nail biting, and all the many ways we use “too much” destructive behavior.

If you are feel that you may have suppressed anger that is affecting you living the life you deserve, experiencing joy to its fullest, living free of pain and painful events, then hypnosis may be just what you are looking for. Contact me for a free Discovery Session and find out if hypnosis might help you.

 

The Myth of Happiness

We are all supposed to be happy – right? It is even written in the Constitution of the United States of America that we are guaranteed “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” So, what happens if we aren’t “happy?” Is there something wrong with us?

In fact, we are so geared into the fact (or is it fantasy) that we are supposed to be happy, that we take pills to make us not feel our feelings and instead feel happy. Some of us call them our “happy pills!”

I am calling happiness – and the pursuit of it – a myth. And the reason is that, in my opinion, we will never be truly happy under the conditions we set for what happiness entails.

There is the typical “I’ll be happy when ….” statements. The blank space is generally fall in love, get married, find the perfect job, when the kids are out of the house, when the bills are paid, have the right car or whatever.

The problem is, what if … doesn’t happen – then are we unhappy?

Maybe yes, maybe no.

Question: what happens if you aren’t happy? Are you wrong? Is there something wrong with you? Should you get help?

So, here is another question – what exactly is happiness? What if we put too much pressure on this whole thing of happiness? What if happiness is really something that comes and goes? What if there are only moments of happiness and the rest is just OK? Can you live with that?

I am sure, like me, as a child you were asked, “Are you happy?” and you knew you needed to say “yes” even if you weren’t exactly sure if you were happy because you weren’t really sure what happy felt like. Was getting a something you always wanted happiness? Was having your parent kiss you good night and tuck you into bed happiness? Was playing with a new kitten happiness? Maybe they all are – and maybe they are just life.

What is happiness to you? Is it OK to not be happy? What about all the other emotions/feelings such as anger, shame, guilt, envy, sadness, regret, disappointment, fear, anxiety and all the others? Are they bad?

In my next segment I am going to go over these other feelings and discuss the good and the bad of each.

In the meantime, please reply to my blog and write me your thoughts.

P.S. How about if I said that all feelings are good?

 

 

“Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Yoda

MediaBakery_FLR0017678How much do you suffer from held anger and hate? How much do those feelings lead your life?

I have discovered that many of my clients suffer from an unlived life or a partial life due to long held anger toward someone who may not even part of their life any longer. Common sense would tell us to let go of useless anger. But what we tell ourselves in our logical mind does not always pass through to our subconscious, which tends to hold on to anger, fear, and hate year after year after year.

So, how does one get over this – let go for real?

We can go through counseling, but talk therapy does not often do the trick. Sometimes, therapy will even reinforce the negative feelings as we keep tickling the memory by talking about it over and over again. Sometimes therapy is what is needed – that is why we have therapists, but sometimes going through hypnosis is the answer that is needed.

In hypnosis (at least the kind that I do) it allows you to re-experience a negative event and see it from a different perspective allowing you to create a more mature or more proactive experience. Also, in hypnosis you have the opportunity of forgiving the perpetrator. {Important note: Forgiving does not mean forgetting, condoning or liking the perpetrator.} What forgiving does do is allow you to let go of the anger, the hate, and in the end, the suffering. This allows you to start living your life without all the baggage.

So, you can start living your life your way.

What are you carrying around that is no longer useful? What fear, anger, hate are you ready to let go of to end the suffering.

P.S. Thanks Yoda

2 Ways to Avoid Extra Pounds

IMZ0017346_PFEELINGS! IT’S ALL ABOUT FEELINGS!

Feelings – we all have them. But do we really know what we are feeling? Most of the time we are clueless as to what we are feeling.

Let’s take for example hunger. We are watching TV and suddenly we will get the munchies. Something in us tells us we really want to eat something.

You know how this works. You walk into the kitchen and start looking through the refrigerator, the cupboards, and those places you stash the “bad” snacks. Sure there is food in all those places, but you are on the search for something – what is it?

Well, the thing is – your probably are not truly feeling hungry. This kind of “noshing” is what causes fat. Why? Because you more than likely are not really feeling hunger. The problem is – we don’t know what we are feeling.

There are two things that I can help you with here.

  1. Realize first of all where hunger is REALLY felt. Here is a clue; it is not in your brain. It’s in your stomach – in that area right above your belly button. And, if you are truly hungry, opening the refrigerator and heading for a chicken leg, carrot sticks, celery with nut butter or an apple will sound great. If you are not really hungry then you usually will go for the non-nourishing snack food that goes straight to your waistline.
  2. So, how do you know what is really going on – you ask yourself. Here’s how, “1,2,3 What am I feeling?” That simple question will help save your waistline. When you ask – what am I feeling – you really have to go inside yourself and ask yourself – what am I feeling? I will be happy to send you a list of feelings that come from the book, The Secret Language of Feelings, that will really help you narrow down what is exactly is going on inside your feeling mind. Just email me at Judith@WiseHeartCoaching.com and I will be happy to send it to you.

 

3 Ways to Talk Nice!

negativelabelsSelf-talk has been a topic of those in the healing field for a long time. So, long in fact, that I thought “everyone” knew about self-talk and how it truly affects ones thinking about themselves. And yet, day after day, it is proven to me by my clients that there is still not enough talk about self-talk.

What is self-talk?

Basically, it is exactly as it sounds – how you talk about yourself to yourself. Far too often we are extremely critical of ourselves – and we let ourselves know it. Mistakenly, we think, “Oh, it doesn’t matter, I know I’m kidding.” I say “mistakenly” because it is a HUGE mistake to think how you talk about yourself does not matter.

There is this little thing called a sub-conscious, which is what I work with during hypnosis, and let me tell you, your sub-conscious does not take anything as a joke. No matter how funny you are, your sub-conscious is NOT. That huge part of your brain sees everything as black and white, right and wrong, yes or not. There is no gray, maybe or perhaps. So, when you say terrible things to yourself, like “I am so fat, ugly, dumb, etc” your sub-conscious takes it as absolute fat (and saying, “I’m kidding,” doesn’t work).

So, here are 3 things to ask yourself before you say something nasty about yourself to yourself.

  1. Would I say this to my best friend, my child, my spouse, my boss, to someone I cared about? If the answer is no, then don’t do it.
  2. Instead of saying things like, “I’m so stressed,” “I’m am exhausted,” or “I can’t understand this,” be in question. In other words, ask yourself a question instead, such as, “I wonder why I am so tired, stressed, not seeming to understand this?” If you ask yourself a question, then you can come up with an answer that help you change the situation and it does not criticize.
  3. Instead of saying, “I can’t, I won’t, I shouldn’t” change it to what you can, will, want to do. For example, if you want to buy a new dress (or any article of clothing), instead of saying, “I can’t buy this” or “I can’t afford this,” change it to what you can do. You can save your money, you can wait until payday, you can decide how to afford it. This change in wording can make a huge change in your personal power. It exchanges powerlessness for powerfulness. You are now in control.

Now, giving yourself a pep talk, that’s great! “I can do this,” “I am capable,” talk is wonderful to help you get a job done. You can also encourage yourself with words such as “shoulders back, head straight, tummy in, walk proud!” Hey, that’s great self-talk.

 

The Plans of Mice & Men (Women)!

 mickey_mouse_cartoon

I just finished training in Las Vegas for a wonderful new process called Gastric Band Hypnosis. It’s great! The client goes through the process of the gastric band surgery – but without the surgery! How does it get better than that? Well it does because it has a 95% success rate – better than the band itself.

Anyway, I decided then and there that I was going to start saving money so that I can go to the National Hypnosis Convention in Massachusetts in August and also take the Stage Hypnosis course. No sooner did I decide that then my crown fell off my tooth. I thought it could just be put back on – but no way (it has a hole in it) so $1000 later I will have a new crown.

So, what happens to our plans? I know I am not alone in planning one thing and then life decides – uh uh, no way – I have other plans for you. How do you survive these shifts in plans? It’s not easy!

I am interested in hearing your views.

Four Reasons We Self Sabotage

stop-self-sabotage-behaviour

 

Why We Self-Sabotage (continued from WHC Insights Newsletter – if you missed your copy, just email me and I will send it out to you.)

In WHC Insights we discovered how we all self-sabotage. The first of the Four Reasons was Our Values are not Attuned to our Goals and two, Fear of Failure. Now on to reasons 3 and 4.

 3. Fear of Success

Yup, you can have fear of success. How? The biggest fear of success is that you will actually succeed – then what? How will you be changed? How will life change? What will friends and family think?
Let’s take losing weight as a concept – you lose the weight over summer break from school. In the fall you meet up with your old friends but you are no longer interested in joining them for the usual burger and fries. You aren’t behaving as they predict. When you do join them, you order a salad.  Yikes! The camaraderie of burgers and fries is missing. What do you do? Often you might just give in and regain the weight so that you can keep the same relationships.
Or, what if you are successful at your business and start making money. Instead of being the poor friend or family member you now have new clothes, new car, maybe you purchase a home, travel. Will there be jealousy? Will you find yourself feeling like you should pay for times you all go out? Yes, of course, true friends will be your “Hurray” team, but things change. Also, are you ready to see yourself as a person who has the wealth that you only dreamed about? Are you prepared for success?
Sometimes it is just easier to not rock the boat and instead of losing weight, becoming successful, and succeeding, to just sabotage and fail.

4. Lack of Commitment

Generally, lack of commitment is when you decide you want to change something or start doing something that you normally don’t do. These include all of the above ideas such as losing weight, exercising, going to school, writing a book, walking or bicycling to work rather then driving, start the business you have always wanted, learn another language – the millions of things that you say you “want” to do, but are not really committed to. Maybe it is a dream, a want, a desire – not really something you are willing to put actual time and energy into. The trick is, to know when something is just a nice idea, but that the heart really isn’t into the work it will take to follow through to the end.

If you start a new project, and you aren’t committed, then you will most assuredly sabotage and not follow through.

There are other reasons we self-sabotage or resist. Maybe our steps are too huge – like wanting to lose 30 pounds. Maybe if they were smaller, easier steps such as losing 5 pounds? Then we could celebrate and then make the next goal another 5 pounds.

Love your comments – Judith

 

What happens when we Jump To Conclusions?

download  We all do it – jump to a conclusion.

  Today, I had that experience with a dear friend. It was painful! My friend had jumped to a    conclusion and called me angry and with accusations that I was immediately hurt by and  responded to.

  I reacted! I retaliated with my own anger at her accusations. I defended myself. This is the  ego in full defense – and my body responded. My blood pressure went up, I could feel my head start to ache, my voice rose with anger, and replied to her with what I felt was justification. There was also a part of me that wanted to hide – to just say “OK” and end the argument. To swallow my hurt instead of speaking my pain.

The thing is – all of my immediate reactions were part of my lower self – my ego – which felt that it needed to protect itself. Instead of being in question, I became reactive. Instead of inviting the Light in to help me in understanding the situation better, I belched out my anger. 

Later, once I calmed down and thought about the situation I realized that this was not like my friend at all. It is not normal for her to accuse instead of asking questions. So, I called her back. I apologized for responding from my ego and asked her what was going on with her, if she was okay. Through communicating from our higher self we realized that we both reacted incorrectly and promised to ask questions rather than accuse. This felt whole – this felt light.

When have you responded from your ego – reactive self – instead of your higher side? I would love to read your comments.

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